Question about Income

I have a question: should or should a woman who is working pay full/ half for the mortgage as well? The reason this came to mind is a year long discussion I have with my husband. Him been really Persian about this topic says:" A woman should not pay for the family. The money she earns is absolutely for herself and the luxuries she wants to afford." well, before you applaud and say: ' What a great guy!' listen first to the rest of his theory: Luxuries are everything!!! Basically if you want to have a car, he would pay for a cookie jar, you would need to pay the rest.
If you want a desk for your room, he would pay for a board and some wooden sticks for underneath, but if you want one from Pottery Barn or Hold Everything, this would be luxury, I could go on and on. To make it short, his definition of luxury items is different than mine.
Having been raised in Germany, I am very liberal about the topic of working women. I think it's absolutely fine if a woman has a career and also pays the mortgage and every cent the whole family ears comes into a pot and it's the families money.
I think middle eastern men like to have complete control over the finances, this is why they don't like to mix up the money into one pot. Also what if the woman has a higher income? I don't think that there are too many Persian men who would appreciate this. If they don't mix up the incomes, the wife could never say that she put more into the money pot.
regardless the fact that my husband grew up in the west, I think it's the middle eastern pride, which makes their men want to be the first " bread winner" of the family.
From my own experience I could say it has bad and good aspects. I guess it comes back to the point to differentiate what is more important to every woman: financial freedom, or financial security. In my case I like to have both.

Where should I hide my new Prada shoes????

Every time I buy myself a new pair of shoes (my favorite are PRADA!!!!! :) I feel like Sherlock Holmes. You want to know why? Well, here is the proof: I buy the item-obviously very excited-, put it into my car, depending on the time of the day if my husband is home or at work, the bags end up on the passenger seat or in the trunk- and bring it home. Then I have to look around to see that none of my neighbor's sees me, since I live on a street where you can not even change your lipstick color without the whole neighborhood talking about it for a whole week, and bring it into the house. You think the worst is done? Well, no, it actually starts: the question comes up where to hide the boxes without my husband (and recently also my two daughters noticing them). Under thebed, under the closet, inside the closet... You name it. I think during that time I become the most creative hiding-place-finder.
I usually give every pair of shoe 2 weeks time before wearing them "publicly" in front of my family and stack the box on top of all the others. The best is to wear them a couple of times without my family being around, so in case my husband asks the soles are worn a little. This way I can always say with the most innocent face:" These shoes new??? No, I have had them a long time."
I just wonder if he really believes me, or if he wants me to believe that he believes it while the box stack ins growing and growing...

Emotions

You know how unfair it is that we women, regardless of our origins ( not middle eastern women or western women, or anything in between) have so many emotions, and for good or bad express them much more than our male counterparts? Well, one could argue that we do have less communication problems, that we get things "out of our systems", we understand the language of silence.... I could go on and on.
However, honestly sometimes my emotions really bother me. Not when I express them, but when I expect the same expression from "better half", who happens to be male.
I might get so excited about something, all he says is: "Oh, really?", where I would say: " OH< REALLLLLYYYY??????"
I will spend 2 months in Europe this summer, taking my daughters with me. A couple of weeks ago- he probably does not even remember- since males tend to forget everythig right after they said it- I told him that we will miss him, he said: "I will come over for a week."
Now I asked him if he will miss us. You know what he tells me? "Well, I am not alone yet, after you girls take off I can let you know!" I could not believe my ears.
You tell me, am I expecting too much from a man? A wise woman once told me not to expect too much from men in general, since none of them would think like us women, they are, let's say it this way, build less complicated. How does that sound?
The same way they can not multitask, they might not be able to express themselves or play the wordgames women can manage so well.
All in all, I guess I came to the conclusion never to rephrase a question to expect the same answer, since - at least my husband- would not even notice that it was the same question. when I think about it, it would be a really fun game to play... I keep asking the same question over and over again and collect all the 100 answers I get.... :)

BARAN

Last night I watched the Persian movie Baran from Majid Majidi, the same director as Children of Heaven. The movie is about a construction site and the different ethnic groups which are involved in building the apartment complex.
A young boy, named Latif (Hossein Abedini) loses his job at a Tehran, Iran, construction site to the illegally hired Afghan Rahmat (Zahra Bahrami). He begins playing cruel pranks on Rahmat. Soon, however, Latif discovers that Rahmat is actually a girl, and he begins helping shoulder her burden at the construction site. When officials demand that all illegal workers be fired, Latif must choose between safety and social standing, and his young love.
Rahman's real girl name is Baran and the interesting aspect of the movie is the fact that these two never talk to eachother, there is obviously (as a post revolution Iranian movie) no physical contact between the two sexes. Therefore, it is absolutely amazing how Majid Majidi can create the love between them without any words by just using the camera for the boy's eyes and his actions. Latif comes to the point of giving Rahman's family his hard worked salary of 1 whole year and additionally selling his Birthcertificate to make sure that her family has enough money to survive, after her father has broken his leg at the construction site. This of course by not knowing that exactly that money will help the family to move back to Afghanistan, so that he will never see Rahman/Baran again.
In this movie as well as in Children of Heaven Majidi uses the goldfish as symbol of cleanness and innocence.

A very good movie which I would highly recommend.

Liberal marriage = middle eastern marriage????

I read a very interesting article today: the wife of a billionaire, whose name I will not mention, has an agreement with her husband: In case of a divorce she will receive US $ 9 million. Pretty good deal, you might think. However, the man has an agreement as well: he can do whatever he wants, including having numerous women on the side. Liberal marriage, you might think.
So, as a pragmatic person I added 1 plus 1 and came to the following conclusion: the woman has sold herself for 9 million dollars.

Then the question came up to my mind: what makes this arrangement any different from the ones middle eastern men have with their wives? Everyone always says that the Islamic religion allows them to have 4 wives (restrictions apply to that, I won't get too much into the details, but as a resume: the 1st wife has to give her permission and there must be reasons for the second marriage). The man has to treat his wives all the same way, which in my opinion is absolutely impossible, since I can not even treat two pairs of my shoes the same! And spend equal amounts of nights with each of them. In some Islamic countries a certain financial agreement are made, which is comparable to a gift from the husband to the wife in case of a divorce.

Now, this western billionaire, who I mentioned above, he obviously has the wife's agreement to have mistress, one night stands and girl friends on the side. Therefore the first check is done.
If he treats them all the same way and spends time with all of them equally is open. Maybe yes, maybe no. Hence: in dubio pro reo.

Now my question; what exactly is the difference between this liberal marriage and the one's people have in the middle east? Could I from now on say that liberal marriages are middle eastern marriages? Sounds pretty funny to me! :)

Persian women in the East vs. Persian women in the West

Sometimes I truly wonder why I do not pack up my girls and pack my suitcases and leave to go and live in Iran! You might wonder why. Well, on days like today, when I have to go to three different grocery stores to buy all the items my family likes to have in the pantry cabinets and refrigerator, I had spend a whole day to clean the house and still pass my yard and think to myself " grrrr, hope noon thinks the inside of this house looks as bad as the outside!", I have to wash cloths, and YES, I do even iron underwear!, make the beds, change the sheets, clean up all the evidences from the weekend, I truly wonder that the women for whose freedom I am fighting and for whom I am trying to speak up, might actually have a more relaxed and comfortable life!
Anyone who has not been in the Middle East is probably not going to believe me. Too much influenced by the picture of the Burka wearing woman in the media, everyone thinks that those women are treated the same inside the house. Well, I have to be honest, I can not speak for all the women for the whole entire region of the Middle East, but on the two handful samples from my own family. My cousins have someone who comes to wash their kitchen floor every other day, someone who comes to wash the windows, someone who takes down their drapes, someone who washes them, and believe it or not, someone who comes and hangs them. Someone else does their grocery shopping, or they call into the supermarket (those little stores are actually called this way!) and orders, someone who brings them the groceries upto the apartments, someone who washes their cloths, someone who cleans their houses, someone who makes sure the yard looks nice ( my poor yard has not seen a gardener ever since I moved into this house!) and when they have parties, someone cooks, and someone serves.
And believe me, none of them is married to a Billionaire! Most of them do not work, wear the best designer cloths, and their husbands are normal employees in companies. My husband is supposed to be a VP in an IT company and the day I told him that I want a cleaning staff he turned around and said: "Do as good as you can!" In that moment something rare happened: I was speechless!
My point is this: we do fight for our freedom, which is very good, but I think that we burn like two sided candles. I guess I should not complain, everything has a price, and hey... As long as I can drive my car myself and do not need my husband to give me the permission to do that, I rather walk up all the stairs to my house. It's good against cellulites!

Refugee Women in Development- Sima Wali

Two days ago I was invited to a presentation, which was the third and last in a series named Roshan. A friend of mine had helped to organize this exhibition, where one-time photo cameras were given out in a small town in Badakhshan, Afghanistan to school children. After being taught how to use the cameras they were sent off to take snap shots of their families and friends. These pictures were brought to New Canaan, Connecticut. In return one of the New Canaan High School classes was sending their snap shots to Afghanistan.
The exhibition was fabulous! Not only the pictures themselves, but also the comparison they offered. One side the modern homes in or western society, on the other side the families without any kitchens, or let's say a corner of a room being the kitchen.
Well, as mentioned above the third presentation within this series, was from Sima Wali, the president of the Refugee Women in Development.
Ms. Wali introduced her organizations and the development of their work. She had been in exile for over 20 years in the US, and returned to her homeland country after the fall of the Taliban. One of the points, which were mentioned during her presentation, and which I thought was a fact, that each of us here in the West could help by writing a check to help the program's funds. However, I believe that every woman and every man could go beyond the check writing, by helping in a more practical way, by being aware of the freedom of speech, education and choice of life we have. This way every single of us should be able to realize what it is that people do not have in Afghanistan. What I mean is that it is very simple to forget all the luxuries we enjoy without even thinking that most of them are not necessarily commodities in other people's lives.
I truly believe that every single one of us can change the situation by believing in the programs and putting effort in the hands on help.